Broken and Beautiful

As I walked into Starbucks this morning, I never would've expected what God would show me before I walked out. As I'm sitting there, having my quiet time, this boy that looks about 19 walks in. At first glance, I thought he might've been a hobo and caught myself judging a man I've never met. After looking at him more, I registered the look of defeat he carried with him. His hair was tousled, he wore dirty clothes, and his shoulders were hunched as if he'd just lost a battle. He ordered his coffee and proceeded to slowly walk out the doors when we made eye contact. In that moment, I felt a connection with this unknown man. After I had been convicted of judging, I began praying for him because I knew that he must be fighting a hard battle and I've been there before so wouldn't I want someone to do the same for me? I couldn't take my eyes off this man. He looked so lost, so defeated, so hopeless... God wasn't done. I watched him walk out the doors as if he had somewhere to be and I honestly thought that would be the end. I finished my quiet time and proceeded to leave to meet my friends for lunch. However, God had different plans. When I walked out the doors, I saw the boy sitting on the curb in front of the dumpster. What an odd place to sit when there were plenty of seats, right? I lost control. I walked straight up to him, bent down, and said, "are you ok?" He replied, "Yes, thank you" I couldn't stop, "can I pray for you or anything" he simply wouldn't give "no I'm fine thanks." How can you help someone if they won't let you in? "Ok well I hope you have a great day" I said and walked off. But I could not, no matter what I did, get that tug in my heart to stop. I wasn't in control of my body anymore. I dug through the box in my backseat looking for the bibles my church hands out - I always keep one on hand in case of situations like this. I looked at this bible, got out of my car, and started walking towards the boy again. He looked at me cautiously with eyes that said "this chick is crazy." As I walked directly towards him, still not in control of my body, and bent down to look him in the eye and said "I don't wanna seem like a creep or anything, but if you're looking for hope or something, this will help." He kept looking at me cautiously and said, "ok thanks" and I just stood up and walked back to my car. As I was driving away, I prayed for this broken, defeated, hopeless boy harder than I've prayed for anybody in a long time. God cares for that man, with an unfailing love. If God cares that much about him, it's worth me taking the time to stop and listen... Right? I was able to obey the Holy Spirits prompting once I got past the initial judgement and realized that this boy is fighting battles just like I am. He's had heartbreak, rejection, anger... everything that I've experienced and maybe more. Why should I give up on him when he's obviously struggling? Why should I ignore him just like the rest of the world when I'm so obviously called to be like Jesus? Because it's crazy? Because other people will think I'm weird? Who cares! Jesus tell us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Mark 12:31), yet we're often too busy to stop and help the broken. But when we're hurting, we want somebody to do that for us. Luke 6:31 says "Do to others as you would have them do to you." But when do we honestly do that? We can pray, "God, break our hearts for what breaks yours" but if we don't act when He calls us to, what good does it do? Obedience isn't just giving a bible to a boy sitting on a curb, it's simply saying, "yes" when He says, "go." We're surrounded by cliche sayings that aid us when we "feel like it" but we never really take them to heart. What would happen if we actually did what we preach? If we loved the way we say we do? If we stopped, just five minutes a day, to help someone that needs a little hope? So be encouraged, stop and say a genuine "thank you" to the person behind the counter, love those closest to you and tell them how muchh they mean to you, take the time to help people in need and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Gandhi once said, "be the change you wish to see in the world." Don't follow the flow of traffic. Stop and love. 

Those so called "truths"

Recently, I've found myself hearing more and more stories of bullying. Friends that I love and value are having rumors spread about them, in turn causing them to hate where they are today. I've found myself being bullied without ever fully realizing it and also accidentally being the bully. I've found that simple words like, "did you really just do that" or, "I can't believe she did that" are the doors to bullying... The fact that it's so easy to walk through those double doors of gossip is what shakes my heart.

What makes our society so accepting to bullying? We go about our day hearing gossip and rumors and know it's not right or true, yet doing nothing about it. Why don't we stand up? Over 160,000 kids stay home from school everyday due to bullying. How is that okay? Why do we say, "look what that persons wearing" or, "ohmygosh did you hear what happened last night?" We find ourselves, wether meaning to or not, in a never ending whirlwind of gossip and rumors. Most of us hear the rumors and want to say its wrong but are too scared of the outcome towards ourselves so we stay silent instead of defending the innocent. 

I have to remind myself constantly to be kind to those I don't like and to love those that I don't think deserve it but it's hard for me to convey that to others. Paul writes, "Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." (Ephesians 4:29 NLT) yet we still struggle with it. 

If you're reading this and you've been bullied, Paul has some advice... "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:31, 32 NLT). He's not saying it's easy to forgive, to forget, to love. But he is guiding us in what we should do. Forgiveness brings a breath of fresh air, of peace, of hope. Don't give up. 

If you see bullying going on, stand up for those that are in the rumors. All it takes is one simple act of defiance against bullying to change a life. Don't doubt your effect. When you hear it going on, just simply say "stop!" I guarantee it makes a difference. Wether they continue to gossip or not after you've left is up to them, but the feeling you get from not partaking is one that is uncomparable to the breath of peace that comes from resistance. 

My dance studio recently started a program called "The Messengers" and our current piece is over bullying. The effect that it has had on those around has been overwhelming. I always knew the numbers were high but I never knew how many lives were truly effected. My prayer tonight is that anyone being bullied, witnessing it, or partaking in it, stands against it. 

Will you be the one that makes a change?

Hypocrite or Forgiven?

As senior year started, I prayed with high expectations that God would move and start a revival. I prayed that He would place me in a class that was surrounded with broken people who were searching for help but couldn't find it. My first six classes were a breeze... and then I walked into seventh period. I was surrounded by people I'm not normally surrounded by but I knew I was in here for a reason and that God was answering my prayer to reach the unreached. But I'm not gonna lie, I had a bad attitude walking in. I was thinking, "ohmygosh what am I doing here? I want out of this class." And I found myself being selfish and I was overwhelmed with regret. These people, the ones that most people look down on, are just as human as I am. I can't just stand there and think of myself as better than them or I'll never accomplish what I keep saying I want to. I was so convicted, not condemned, about how I'd been something I hate... a hypocrite. As I was laying in bed contemplating life as always I began thinking about how frustrated I'd been at myself once I realized that I wasn't living the way I wanted to. But the Bible constantly talks about forgiveness, right? So shouldn't I be able to forgive myself for feeling like a hypocrite every once in a while? I mean, we all fall short of God's glory, right? And what about God's grace? If He's gracious with me when I fail, shouldn't I be gracious with myself and understand that I'm human and He understands that? Yes. But that doesn't mean I am. I have this mindset of, "I always have to be kind and perfect or I'm a failure. I have to live up to all of the expectations of the WORLD." But last night after Perspectives, I had this thought... "I don't always have to be my version of kind... God made me the way I am for a reason and He tells me to not conform to the patterns of this world so that would include how I'm kind, right? I can be kind in a different way than most people but still show Jesus." and I was totally overcome with grace as I went over the flyover. What an odd place for that to happen :)

God doesn't always speak with a booming voice or over a loud speaker. Sometimes, He simply speaks in thoughts or whispers. He spoke those thoughts into my head and reminded me of how much I need His grace. He speaks to you in different ways than He does with me but that doesn't mean that He doesn't speak to you directly. The best part about God is He doesn't pick favorites. You need His grace. I need His grace. He has an endless supply of it. Whoever you are, don't give up hope. Don't conform to the patterns of this world. He has a special plan for you. You have a gift that nobody else possess. Don't let the world dull your spark. Let your light shine, oh child of God. You are beautiful. You are special. You are loved.

Forgiven. Alive. Free.

As I was listening to Grace: Jump The Creek by Perry Noble from Newspring Church I came to realize something that I'd begun to doubt. I am saved. I am free. I am loved. 

Evergreen 2009: I'm sitting under a metal roof near campfire listening to Brian Pittanelo teach about Jesus. I don't remember what He was teaching or anything he said, all I remember is the feeling I got when I was walking back down the hill towards my cabin. Freedom. Happiness. Hope. Joy. All new to me. I was alive. I was free! What was this feeling? I'd never experienced something like this. I think I committed my life to Christ that day but I'm not sure. The girl that brought me there asked me if I was ok and I said "yes, why?" And she said, "you're smiling really big. Have you never heard something like that? I hear stuff like that all the time. It's not really that big of a deal." Pride. "Of course I have, I'm not stupid." all I could hear in my head was 'this is normal for her. Wow, you must be really stupid. How could you be so behind?' And I began to tear myself down. However, God had gotten through. He'd made an impact in my life that day that would change my world and I would never be the same again. Thank God it happened that day! I guess that day I realized that God wasn't just some big person that I never saw but knew was watching me. He was with me. In me. By me. Whoa. 

2013: doing what God wants me to do, going through the motions, trying to please Him, and occasionally hearing His voice.  I'm beginning to wonder if the reason I can't feel Him the way I did that day is because I didn't accept Him "right" well, I'm doing what He wants so it shouldn't make a difference... Right?

June 22, 2013: My realization is this; there isn't a right or wrong way of accepting Christ into your life. I didn't do it "wrong," I didn't imagine that feeling. That was real. It was raw and personal. WHAAAAAA. MIND BLOWN. God got to me on that day for a reason. Surely I have to say "the prayer" and be perfect... Right? Wrong. God got to my heart that day and He changed my life. It wasn't just while that feeling was there, it is forever and always. "I was blind but now I see. I was lost but now I'm found. I was dead but now I'm alive." I'm going to mess up. Shoot, I'm gonna mess up before the day is over. But God doesn't do anything partial or half way. He always goes all out! He didn't just save me when I'm good enough. He saved me for every single second of every single day! I can mess up over and over and over and He will still love me. That just blows my mind that He would love me when I'm broken and sinning like crazy. But the fact is, He does.  And HE DOESN'T CHANGE. He doesn't go back on His promises and He promised to love me ALWAYS. No matter how much I mess up and sin, He loves me. I know I'm going to heaven because He forgave me for past, present, and ALL future sins. And I don't ever have to wonder if I'm saved. And for that, I'm so thankful!! I may or may not have said "the prayer" but that doesn't mean that He didn't change me and move in my life. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't gone to church camp four years ago. And even if life got crazy and hard after, I wouldn't change it for the world. <3

Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. ~Ephesians 2:1-10~

Depression ain't got nothin on Jesus

If you've known me for awhile or have heard my testimony, you know that I dealt with a year long depression a few years ago. As I was coming out of it I felt weird because I had become comfortable in the pain that I'd let settle around me. And now, because of that year, I still struggle with letting the pain settle around and convince me that I am hopeless as I slip back into that depression. Recently I've found myself feeling hopeless and alone even though I'm neither. I feel like I'm being attack from every angle and there are days where I wonder if I'll ever get a break. As school let out and all the kids ran out screaming, I felt relieved because I thought that the stress would stop and I would be able to breathe again for the first time since December and now I realize that I couldn't have been more wrong about that. Normally the devil attacks me through myself but recently he's been attacking me through the people around me so I'm not completely sure on how to handle that. 

The last time I actually felt God in my heart was during TAKS testing and of course my revival came from prayer. However I still had no desire to pursue Him and I fell because of it. I went to LA feeling dead and hopeless but found revival when I shared my testimony the first night. I had three amazing days of happiness and hope and then on my favorite day, the day I played with those precious kids at the park, 

I was attacked. As I shared something with that family that not many people knew, it opened up doors for the devil to slip in with doubts. The next day I slipped into my self doubt and let myself find comfort in the pain instead of God. My friends would ask, "are you ok?" And I would just nod my head and put on the "happy face" that had become a part of who I was. I remember thinking, "I'm on a mission trip. This shouldn't be happening. How can the devil slip in at a time like this?" And I began to become frustrated with myself. I started asking, "what is wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Was I not supposed to be here?" And then I started saying, "they would have been better off without me." And I finally caught myself and put that out of my head and as soon as I did that, the devil hit me as hard as he could. He brought out what I like to call the "overwhelming motion" which is where he points out how much stuff I have to do and then throws in some fear of not being able to do it. I couldn't believe God was letting all of this happen but then I remembered that I have to seek Him to receive and for the first time since December, I had a desire to seek Him. And because of that desire, I am so thankful that all of that happened. 

I found myself and then as soon as I thought I'd gotten on my feet again, BOOM, attack. But this time it was through people I trusted and loved. People I'd thought would build me up and not tear me down. And I guess I was frustrated with myself for trusting them. My biggest fear (next to sharks) is letting somebody down. So the devil used that. He told me I was a failure and that I couldn't do anything right. He said, "your bestfriends doesn't like you. She doesn't make time for you anymore so why would God?" and I finally found myself crying out to God saying, "I'm tired. There isn't anything left in me. I give up. Please stop these attacks. I can't handle anything else." And I wanted to give up so bad. But my stubbornness wouldn't let me and I could hear myself saying, "Jesus didn't give up on you when He was being beaten for you. Why would He now? Do you think He can't handle your crap? Has He not proven He loves you? Cuz if you think He hasn't, you're crazy." But I kept pushing it out of my head and I chose to listen to the lies. It wasn't against my will... I chose to live in the depression. I chose to let myself sit in my pain. And I chose to not talk to my friends and family about my struggles. But no matter how many times I chose to do those things, Jesus never left my side. Why would the king of kings do that for me? I still can't comprehend that. I desperately need to learn how to drop my pride and admit when I need help. But even when I can't do that, I'm so thankful that He never leaves. And even when I'm frustrated with myself or with the people around me, He is still with me. And He will always fight for me. 

Friendship

For those of you that know me, I don't cry or show when I'm struggling and desperate for help. Recently, however, more people have seen me at my lowest and have amazingly accepted me. Growing up I felt like (and still do) I always had to be perfect. I read an article the other day about how we, as Christians, are told to be an example. It talked about how we don't need to be an example, but to be ourselves. As I was reading it I realized that I have been trying so hard to live this "perfect Christian" life, and because of it I am making life much harder on myself than it should be. I don't have to be perfect. I don't even have to prove myself. But what I do have to do is be honest with myself and the people around me. In the blog it said, "she isn't supposed to be an example. Her friends don't need an example, they need a friend." Friends are honest with each other and accepting when we feel like nobody else is. They are there to help pick us up when we're down and encourage us to keep going when we feel like we can't anymore. I don't want to be perfect. I want to be relatable for the people around me so they can see Jesus. I want them to know that the reason I have a smile on my face is because of what He did for me. I don't want to pretend to be perfect or happy all the time. Its exhausting pretending you're perfect. It's hard to be an example. I want to show my friends that I'm broken too and I need help just as much as they do. I've had a "mask" on since mid-December and honestly, I'm tired of wearing it. So this is me saying, "I'm struggling and I'm not afraid to show it. Here's the real me" and praying that my friends will love me through the brokenness. 

 www.chattingatthesky.com/2013/05/13/one-thing-your-daughter-doesnt-need-you-to-say/