Depression ain't got nothin on Jesus

If you've known me for awhile or have heard my testimony, you know that I dealt with a year long depression a few years ago. As I was coming out of it I felt weird because I had become comfortable in the pain that I'd let settle around me. And now, because of that year, I still struggle with letting the pain settle around and convince me that I am hopeless as I slip back into that depression. Recently I've found myself feeling hopeless and alone even though I'm neither. I feel like I'm being attack from every angle and there are days where I wonder if I'll ever get a break. As school let out and all the kids ran out screaming, I felt relieved because I thought that the stress would stop and I would be able to breathe again for the first time since December and now I realize that I couldn't have been more wrong about that. Normally the devil attacks me through myself but recently he's been attacking me through the people around me so I'm not completely sure on how to handle that. 

The last time I actually felt God in my heart was during TAKS testing and of course my revival came from prayer. However I still had no desire to pursue Him and I fell because of it. I went to LA feeling dead and hopeless but found revival when I shared my testimony the first night. I had three amazing days of happiness and hope and then on my favorite day, the day I played with those precious kids at the park, 

I was attacked. As I shared something with that family that not many people knew, it opened up doors for the devil to slip in with doubts. The next day I slipped into my self doubt and let myself find comfort in the pain instead of God. My friends would ask, "are you ok?" And I would just nod my head and put on the "happy face" that had become a part of who I was. I remember thinking, "I'm on a mission trip. This shouldn't be happening. How can the devil slip in at a time like this?" And I began to become frustrated with myself. I started asking, "what is wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Was I not supposed to be here?" And then I started saying, "they would have been better off without me." And I finally caught myself and put that out of my head and as soon as I did that, the devil hit me as hard as he could. He brought out what I like to call the "overwhelming motion" which is where he points out how much stuff I have to do and then throws in some fear of not being able to do it. I couldn't believe God was letting all of this happen but then I remembered that I have to seek Him to receive and for the first time since December, I had a desire to seek Him. And because of that desire, I am so thankful that all of that happened. 

I found myself and then as soon as I thought I'd gotten on my feet again, BOOM, attack. But this time it was through people I trusted and loved. People I'd thought would build me up and not tear me down. And I guess I was frustrated with myself for trusting them. My biggest fear (next to sharks) is letting somebody down. So the devil used that. He told me I was a failure and that I couldn't do anything right. He said, "your bestfriends doesn't like you. She doesn't make time for you anymore so why would God?" and I finally found myself crying out to God saying, "I'm tired. There isn't anything left in me. I give up. Please stop these attacks. I can't handle anything else." And I wanted to give up so bad. But my stubbornness wouldn't let me and I could hear myself saying, "Jesus didn't give up on you when He was being beaten for you. Why would He now? Do you think He can't handle your crap? Has He not proven He loves you? Cuz if you think He hasn't, you're crazy." But I kept pushing it out of my head and I chose to listen to the lies. It wasn't against my will... I chose to live in the depression. I chose to let myself sit in my pain. And I chose to not talk to my friends and family about my struggles. But no matter how many times I chose to do those things, Jesus never left my side. Why would the king of kings do that for me? I still can't comprehend that. I desperately need to learn how to drop my pride and admit when I need help. But even when I can't do that, I'm so thankful that He never leaves. And even when I'm frustrated with myself or with the people around me, He is still with me. And He will always fight for me.