Forgiven. Alive. Free.

As I was listening to Grace: Jump The Creek by Perry Noble from Newspring Church I came to realize something that I'd begun to doubt. I am saved. I am free. I am loved. 

Evergreen 2009: I'm sitting under a metal roof near campfire listening to Brian Pittanelo teach about Jesus. I don't remember what He was teaching or anything he said, all I remember is the feeling I got when I was walking back down the hill towards my cabin. Freedom. Happiness. Hope. Joy. All new to me. I was alive. I was free! What was this feeling? I'd never experienced something like this. I think I committed my life to Christ that day but I'm not sure. The girl that brought me there asked me if I was ok and I said "yes, why?" And she said, "you're smiling really big. Have you never heard something like that? I hear stuff like that all the time. It's not really that big of a deal." Pride. "Of course I have, I'm not stupid." all I could hear in my head was 'this is normal for her. Wow, you must be really stupid. How could you be so behind?' And I began to tear myself down. However, God had gotten through. He'd made an impact in my life that day that would change my world and I would never be the same again. Thank God it happened that day! I guess that day I realized that God wasn't just some big person that I never saw but knew was watching me. He was with me. In me. By me. Whoa. 

2013: doing what God wants me to do, going through the motions, trying to please Him, and occasionally hearing His voice.  I'm beginning to wonder if the reason I can't feel Him the way I did that day is because I didn't accept Him "right" well, I'm doing what He wants so it shouldn't make a difference... Right?

June 22, 2013: My realization is this; there isn't a right or wrong way of accepting Christ into your life. I didn't do it "wrong," I didn't imagine that feeling. That was real. It was raw and personal. WHAAAAAA. MIND BLOWN. God got to me on that day for a reason. Surely I have to say "the prayer" and be perfect... Right? Wrong. God got to my heart that day and He changed my life. It wasn't just while that feeling was there, it is forever and always. "I was blind but now I see. I was lost but now I'm found. I was dead but now I'm alive." I'm going to mess up. Shoot, I'm gonna mess up before the day is over. But God doesn't do anything partial or half way. He always goes all out! He didn't just save me when I'm good enough. He saved me for every single second of every single day! I can mess up over and over and over and He will still love me. That just blows my mind that He would love me when I'm broken and sinning like crazy. But the fact is, He does.  And HE DOESN'T CHANGE. He doesn't go back on His promises and He promised to love me ALWAYS. No matter how much I mess up and sin, He loves me. I know I'm going to heaven because He forgave me for past, present, and ALL future sins. And I don't ever have to wonder if I'm saved. And for that, I'm so thankful!! I may or may not have said "the prayer" but that doesn't mean that He didn't change me and move in my life. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't gone to church camp four years ago. And even if life got crazy and hard after, I wouldn't change it for the world. <3

Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. ~Ephesians 2:1-10~

Depression ain't got nothin on Jesus

If you've known me for awhile or have heard my testimony, you know that I dealt with a year long depression a few years ago. As I was coming out of it I felt weird because I had become comfortable in the pain that I'd let settle around me. And now, because of that year, I still struggle with letting the pain settle around and convince me that I am hopeless as I slip back into that depression. Recently I've found myself feeling hopeless and alone even though I'm neither. I feel like I'm being attack from every angle and there are days where I wonder if I'll ever get a break. As school let out and all the kids ran out screaming, I felt relieved because I thought that the stress would stop and I would be able to breathe again for the first time since December and now I realize that I couldn't have been more wrong about that. Normally the devil attacks me through myself but recently he's been attacking me through the people around me so I'm not completely sure on how to handle that. 

The last time I actually felt God in my heart was during TAKS testing and of course my revival came from prayer. However I still had no desire to pursue Him and I fell because of it. I went to LA feeling dead and hopeless but found revival when I shared my testimony the first night. I had three amazing days of happiness and hope and then on my favorite day, the day I played with those precious kids at the park, 

I was attacked. As I shared something with that family that not many people knew, it opened up doors for the devil to slip in with doubts. The next day I slipped into my self doubt and let myself find comfort in the pain instead of God. My friends would ask, "are you ok?" And I would just nod my head and put on the "happy face" that had become a part of who I was. I remember thinking, "I'm on a mission trip. This shouldn't be happening. How can the devil slip in at a time like this?" And I began to become frustrated with myself. I started asking, "what is wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Was I not supposed to be here?" And then I started saying, "they would have been better off without me." And I finally caught myself and put that out of my head and as soon as I did that, the devil hit me as hard as he could. He brought out what I like to call the "overwhelming motion" which is where he points out how much stuff I have to do and then throws in some fear of not being able to do it. I couldn't believe God was letting all of this happen but then I remembered that I have to seek Him to receive and for the first time since December, I had a desire to seek Him. And because of that desire, I am so thankful that all of that happened. 

I found myself and then as soon as I thought I'd gotten on my feet again, BOOM, attack. But this time it was through people I trusted and loved. People I'd thought would build me up and not tear me down. And I guess I was frustrated with myself for trusting them. My biggest fear (next to sharks) is letting somebody down. So the devil used that. He told me I was a failure and that I couldn't do anything right. He said, "your bestfriends doesn't like you. She doesn't make time for you anymore so why would God?" and I finally found myself crying out to God saying, "I'm tired. There isn't anything left in me. I give up. Please stop these attacks. I can't handle anything else." And I wanted to give up so bad. But my stubbornness wouldn't let me and I could hear myself saying, "Jesus didn't give up on you when He was being beaten for you. Why would He now? Do you think He can't handle your crap? Has He not proven He loves you? Cuz if you think He hasn't, you're crazy." But I kept pushing it out of my head and I chose to listen to the lies. It wasn't against my will... I chose to live in the depression. I chose to let myself sit in my pain. And I chose to not talk to my friends and family about my struggles. But no matter how many times I chose to do those things, Jesus never left my side. Why would the king of kings do that for me? I still can't comprehend that. I desperately need to learn how to drop my pride and admit when I need help. But even when I can't do that, I'm so thankful that He never leaves. And even when I'm frustrated with myself or with the people around me, He is still with me. And He will always fight for me.